Counseling Stages Diagram - Restoring Affection in the Marriage Relationship Prepared by Pastor Philip Ayers/Based on Dr.
I. Reframe the Marital A. Exploration 1. Dilemma: Issue of two rights. "I'm right!" and "You are wrong!" concept. 2. Danger: Offer - oriented techniques / associated counseling models Communication / problem - solving training (CPT) is the antithesis of Behavioral Exchange (BE). Couples are taught to be their own therapists through the training in communication and conflict resolution skills. Improvements in marital satisfaction were maintained to a greater degree over the course of a two year follow-up period. ( 3. Duty: Emphasize hurt without accusations. Consider strategies for promoting tolerance. Jacobson and a. Movement toward Relational Collaboration. b. Stepping back and stepping out. c. Everyday pressures that tear at love. 1. stress Consider the information on Stressful Circumstances. (Jacobson and 2. satanic assaults Ephesians 6:12
3. scripts from past 4. sin 5. selfishness 6. speed 4. Drifting: A slow erosion; a gradual, subtle breaking of emotional strands 86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, their marriages are happier, according to an analysis of the National Survey of Families and Households done by 5. Desperado Complex "Only a relationship with God fills this emptiness ( B. Explanation - The Path of Disaffection 1. Distancing: A Reasonable Response a. Characterized by Gottman's 4 Horses 1. Criticism He defines criticism as attacking someone's personality or character - rather a specific behavior - usually with blame ( 2. Contempt 3. Defensiveness 4. Stonewalling "Stonewalling" as one partner removing himself from the interaction by turning into a stonewall (Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, p. 95). b. Creation of a Vacuum c. Self Medication d. Cycle of Disaffection in Marriage and Spiritual Life from 1. Discontent: an unsettledness sets in when left unresolved 2. Deep Secret; that poisons intimacy gets lodged and hidden in the heart 3. Drifting begins: often subtle and unintentional, but looks away from the center (relates to duty relational oneness) 4. Death of Desire takes place: resignation rather than resurrection and new desire 5. Desperado Complex (relates to relational oneness) 2. Polarization: The Red Zone a. Vicious cycle of Disaffection If flooding is not checked, b. "A self fulfilling prophecy" Over time, you become conditioned to look for and react to negatives in your spouse and your marriage. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more you expect and search for negatives, the more likely you are to find them, and to highlight their significance in your mind (Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, p. 120)."
c. " Both want to control the other. There is usually a power struggle present in the relationship.
Treatment Plan / Goal: Step One - Intake process - Help partners to remember their story by using narrative recall, clarifying the truth, and accepting their story and grief. Instill hope by helping them identify the relationship stage they are in: cooperation (love and romance), retaliation (hurtful stage), domination (guilt, criticism), or isolation (different bedrooms, etc.) , and their negative patterns of thought and behavior..
Consider Evaluation of Nine Areas of Marriage / Central beliefs and values, core vision, confession/forgiveness, communication, conflict resolution, cognition closeness complicating factors, and commitment. (
II. Release / Reclaim: Coming out of the pain A. An Empathetic Heart - "Getting partners to think about the marriage and each other differently." Ephesians 4:31-32 1. Vertically - "God of Hosea" 2. Horizontally - "Just Maybe" B. Called to a spiritual Task - Proverbs 19:21 1. Led by God's Spirit and His Word - Joshua 3 and 4 2. Engaging in Godly Love - I Cor. 13 3. Giving honor to the covenantal bond - Matthew 19:6 "Marriage is not only a private vow, it is a public view, it is a public act, a contract, taken in full public view, enforceable by law and in the equally powerful court of public opinion (Waite and Gallagher, The Case for Marriage, p. 17)." "Marriage makes you better off, because marriage makes you very important to someone (Waite and Gallagher, The Case for Marriage, p. 31)."
C. The Safe Zone 1. "Judicious Editing" - Reducing the negative I Peter 3:9-11 Consider the Reduction of Negative Acts. ( 2. Encourage soft love - Ephesians 4:31, 5:21-33 Consider the Love Bank and Associated Interventions. ( 3. Facilitate positive communication and problem solving - I Consider Principles for Training the Couple in Better Communication (Worthington, Hope-Focused Marriage, pp 147-167)
The first strategy is to calm down.
4. Challenge personal growth and development - Psalm 139:23
Treatment Plan / Goal: Step Two - Deal with the immediate crisis and finding an immediate interpersonal reward - Help each partner recognize their pain and their need for healing by learning to accept and process the pain. Consider strategy for dealing with painful memories. (
III. Reconcile: "Back where we started" A. The journey of forgiveness and being reunited. 1. Honesty and talk about hurts Four primary strategies for promoting tolerance: It enables a better agreement between the partners. Role-playing in ICT promotes communication that accepts the couple's divergent needs and desires. (Jacobson and 2. "Giving and Accepting" Love Bank Concept, withdrawals and deposits. ( a. Engagement is built on trust B. Honor and Respect: Mutually enjoyable experiences - I C. Accepting and Building on Strengths and Weaknesses Empathy is enhanced by learning as much about your spouse as possible.
Treatment Plan / Goal: Step Three - Helping each partner change (reframe) their thoughts of past events by emphasizing their advantages in the relationship, and re-establishing their emotional and spiritual connectedness.
Developing closeness intervention: Increase partner's awareness of closeness patterns by emphasizing the possibility of improvement, making couples aware of their intimacy deficiency, creating a physical representation of intimacy, changing actions to positive, reduce negative acts, determine what constitutes a positive act, get partners to do more positive acts, have partners acknowledge each other's positive behavior, and dealing with objections to love-bank homework . (Worthington Jr., Hope-Fused Marriage Counseling, A Guide to Brief Therapy, pp. 214-237)
IV. Refashion: Reconstructing a new story for the marriage. A. United Purpose: "Togetherness" - Eccl. 4:9-12 a. Developing a "mission statement" Eph. 5:21-33 Develop Loving Romance through drawing on the couple's memories of romance, using the office to explore emotional closeness, structure time together, adjusting time schedules, establishing bounded couple time, and reading together. Adjusting intimacy elsewhere through breaking up the emotional distance-pursuer pattern, breaking up the emotional distance-pursuer pattern through different interactions with each partner, and breaking up the emotional distance-pursuer pattern using homework.
Helping develop spiritual intimacy through discussing spiritual intimacy, discerning whether partners want to be more spiritual intimate, directing the couple in creating more spiritual intimacy in their marriage, and directing the couple to have patience while waiting for change. (Worthington, Hope-Fused Marriage Counseling, pp. 214-237)
Consider b. Having a goal - directed behavior - avoiding the tendency to become complacent, comfortable, or taking each other for granted. Seven keys to the healing process: key 1 - God (marriage is a God - thing, Mt. 19:4-6), key 2 - relationship (love vs. use), key 3 - truth (counteracts lies), key 4 - path (human process has stages), key 5 - ownership (accepting responsibility), key 6 - forgiveness (without forgiveness you will stay fixed in lies and sin), and key 7 - time (timing is everything). (
B. The Dance of Intimacy - Gen. 2:24-25 c. "Naked and Unashamed" Gen 2:15 d. "Oneness with Healthy Separateness" Gen. 2:24, 25 Five Love Languages: (1) words of love and encouragement, (2) physical touch and closeness, (3) acts of service, (4) quality time, and (5) receiving gifts. (Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages, (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 1995), pp.39-118) e. Spiritual Intimacy - An 1. Basics to Learning and Experiencing Intimacy from a. Define a mission purpose / statement John 3:30 b. Exaltation of God, not ourselves Matthew 3:1-12 c. Create an environment that is Safe and Honest I Peter 3:7 d. Develop an understanding of the Safety and Honesty Issues: gender gap, one - upmanship (don't challenge each other), anger Romans 12:17-19 Consider negotiating your marriage style. (Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, pp. 202-205) e. Learn to become vulnerable Psa. 28:7,8 2. Blessings of Spiritual and Marital Intimacy from a. Couples that pray together are happier Psa. 34:15-18 b. Changes our conversation and thought life c. Deepens intimacy with God and each other Prov. 27:17 Secrets to a healthy relationship (Eccl. 9:9): (1) have a purpose, (2) give attention to love, (3) let love walk in your life (Prov. 10:12, I Cor. 13), (4) be aware of your love style, (5) invest time and effort, (6) work on communion (Eph. 4:15), and (7) focus on spiritual vitality. ( d. Increases commitment to each other There are two sides of forgiveness: seeking II Corinthians 7:10-11 and granting forgiveness. ( e. Increases compatibility Treatment Plan / Goal: Step Three - Helping each partner repair their relationship by developing a safe and secure marriage through finding and experiencing God's desire for love in marriage (eliminating the negative behavior - increase the positive) through reconnecting the partners (ASIW) Their awareness, safety, intimacy and will to love are major issues in helping the couple understand their story and journey.
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